[His response comes at length, after a struggling period of thought. He wonders how much Sakura knows about the Curse of Hatred. How, even after everything that happened with Naruto, he still doesn't know if he can trust himself to feel anything for anyone. Especially here — a world designed to exploit those weaknesses, feed upon them.]
I wouldn't have asked about the soulmate bond if I didn't.
Naruto doesn't always understand me either. And I don't know how to make that easier for him. When we fight, sometimes that feels like the only way we can communicate.
Where you and I stand, it's changed so much. [Do you still love me?] I can't tell whether my actions and words toward you will help or hurt. It seemed better to keep my distance.
（ she reads that over several times, almost as if the words are written in a foreign tongue she can't hope to comprehend. they don't resolve into sentiment until some time after her third pass, and then her mouth presses into a thin, unhappy line.
(it's what she wanted, isn't it? something from him, she'd said.)
so why does she feel guilty and rotten for having gotten him to admit to it? she should feel elated. instead, there's a leaden feeling in her belly and she's beset by a cold that cleaves to her marrow, eerily reminiscent of the claustrophobic pressure of his chakra when he'd used genjutsu to drive a fist through her chest. ）
'Seemed better' to you. Did you ever think about asking me? The whole time we've been in Stygia I've been trying to tell you, we're still teammates and I care about you.
I know I wasn't...
（ that gets sent, though it's an obviously unfinished text. hard to see the enter button when your vision is blurred from tears. moments later, a second follows: ）
I wasn't always kind to you. I didn't think about what you wanted or needed. I was selfish, and I didn't take the time to understand your pain. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, because I would have given you anything, done anything for you if only you'd stayed and it wasn't enough. But I recognize now that I was making my feelings your responsibility. It wasn't fair of me. I didn't know what I was asking of you back then.
Sasuke, I miss my friend. I miss the person who helped me and protected me. We used to smile together, right? The three of us. We used to joke and laugh, and look out for one-another. I miss that. I've been missing that for more of my life than I even had it.
If you won't, or can't accept my feelings, I'll live with that. But can we just not be strangers to each other after all this time?
[Reading over the message is difficult. The emotions are difficult, tender and soft-hearted sentiment expressed in what Sakura tells him now, so changed from the years he's lived only on cold fury. He was not looking for an apology or explanation. He had not thought he felt any particular way about how Sakura had treated him. It should be reversed. If she wasn't kind, then wasn't he far worse? Why couldn't he return her feelings? Anyone else in the world would want the attention of a pretty, smart, capable girl like her. There was something irrevocably broken in him, and he had naively believed that killing Itachi would fix it.
It's not her fault.]
Both of us were children then. You shouldn't blame yourself for not knowing. I don't hold anything against you. At the time, all I could see was Itachi. I didn't care about anything or anyone else.
Sakura, I don't know if I can be that person again. It doesn't mean that I'm unwilling to try. [Hesitation, in the span of a moment.] Your feelings aren't something I can return, and even if I could, there's a serious risk that I will hurt you again. It is part of the reason I left the village — I don't trust myself. Naruto knew it, and he said he would stop me if I tried...
It's worse here. I've already attacked two civilians without provocation. I don't know if finding a soulmate will help, or if it will only open that person to the same risk.
（ her immediate instinct is to argue, to promise all the love in the world the same way she used to. to swear that it's not about hurting her or not, that she'll help him learn to trust himself again — but intellect calms instinct, and finally — ）
I'm not asking you to be that person again. We've both changed too much to go back. If there was mourning to be done for who you used to be, I've already done that years ago. The only direction for us now is forward.
（ even the thought of finding him and killing him had meant setting certain things aside. she isn't like naruto, who can drag anyone back from the howling precipice of madness. she made her choice then, and she'd make it again now if she had to — the difference is, she wouldn't be so foolish next time, overestimating her own skill while underestimating his. she'd thought that sentiment might get her close enough to kill him, but his cold disregard had shocked her, even then. ）
As for soulmates, I think it helps. At least, it helps more than it hurts. But I understand the concern of being at risk and not wanting to endanger anyone else. Do you have anyone else you could see yourself as being compatible with? I don't believe there's anyone here capable of matching you in combat like Naruto, but it could at least be a stopgap to buy us time.
And I can get stronger, too.
（ she's not going to offer herself as a soulmate candidate — everything between them is too fraught, too tangled. it might legitimately make it worse for both of them. but the one thing she can do for him that would help is train — she's been on equal footing with them both before, she can do it again. the clinic at the docks still takes less of her time than the hospitals in konoha — she's been devoting her free time to reading, mostly, but it's an easy pivot to throw herself into more than just skill maintenance. ）
[The first part of what she tells him brings a strange, acute relief — to have cleared some lingering vestige of tattered uncertainty between them, some play at pretend he couldn't manage. It's as he felt with Naruto, too, but he's not certain his friend understood that. The fact he has changed. They all have.]
Then we'll move forward. If I survive this, we can train.
["if i'm not dead soon" a cool and chill thing to say casually]
I'm not opposed if it would mean control over the corruptive nature of this place, but there is no one compatible that I've found. [You think he's made friends? Well — there was someone, possibly. But he's since destroyed whatever trust might have begun to take root between him and Laurent.]
（ selfishly, perhaps, she doesn't want to answer that question. the only reason she decides to, ultimately, is because she knows he's suffering for lack of a like bond, and not because he's simply asking out of curiosity. there's so much she could say, but she won't betray d's trust, either. ）
It's someone who's helped me since arriving here. Who's been kind, and steady, and I felt I could trust. We have similarly aligned interests as far as helping others and our feelings on humanity. We'd discussed the possibility briefly, due to a misunderstanding. They thought I was offering, when I was speaking in general hypotheticals, but once Naruto...
（ pragmatism, as sasuke had thought, was the thing that had driven her — but she thinks she might have chosen him anyway, given time. the disappearance of their friend had just forced her hand, that was all. ）
It's not overwhelming. Truthfully, I don't even find it to be all that obtrusive, though I suppose it could be with a more exuberant person. But it's still a new bond, so I might learn more in time.
[Kindness, steadiness, trust. Features desirable in anyone, but especially a person close enough to share such a bond — it's good that Sakura has found it. His curiosity is brief but sharp as he wonders who it could be; it isn't any of his business, in the end.
Doing the same for himself feels impossible. The only person who had shared that interior world of vulnerability had fought with bloody fists for years to reach it. And after everything, Naruto hadn't wanted him that way either.]
I see. That's good.
If you discover more about the connection with time, let me know. Any information is useful at this point with so little known.
（ she almost leaves it at that. but this conversation has stripped her defenses to the marrow, and she feels raw all over. he has to feel at least as badly as she does. more, maybe. this has required more vulnerability of him than of her. he's sick and hurting, so shouldn't she...?
she takes a deep breath, and puts her anguish aside. friends, she'd said, and meant it.
it's easy to think of it just as offering comfort. she's dedicated her life to providing succor to those in need, and she doesn't think she's ever met anyone who could use that tender touch more than sasuke. ）
It's okay, you know? If it's him.
You don't have to say anything. Just know I want you to be happy, whatever that looks like for you.
So... it's okay.
（ it's not. but it's an easy lie, and one she thinks she could mean in time, if her guess is right. ）
[It's a conclusion he dreaded Sakura might reach, then hoped it could be forgotten. Something else left unspoken. This is what he was taught, after all, by his own family before him. The hardest truths are better hidden, especially when they evoke that dangerous emotion. What causes them to risk losing all sense of reason — the very attachment he'd tried to eviscerate from himself only to fail.
He wants to say, You're wrong, but he thinks that now he would be lying. How is it okay? is almost his demand instead, fear drumming like a second heart, aware that happiness was never really an option.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I wouldn't have asked about the soulmate bond if I didn't.
Naruto doesn't always understand me either. And I don't know how to make that easier for him. When we fight, sometimes that feels like the only way we can communicate.
Where you and I stand, it's changed so much. [Do you still love me?] I can't tell whether my actions and words toward you will help or hurt. It seemed better to keep my distance.
no subject
(it's what she wanted, isn't it? something from him, she'd said.)
so why does she feel guilty and rotten for having gotten him to admit to it? she should feel elated. instead, there's a leaden feeling in her belly and she's beset by a cold that cleaves to her marrow, eerily reminiscent of the claustrophobic pressure of his chakra when he'd used genjutsu to drive a fist through her chest. ）
'Seemed better' to you. Did you ever think about asking me? The whole time we've been in Stygia I've been trying to tell you, we're still teammates and I care about you.
I know I wasn't...
（ that gets sent, though it's an obviously unfinished text. hard to see the enter button when your vision is blurred from tears. moments later, a second follows: ）
I wasn't always kind to you. I didn't think about what you wanted or needed. I was selfish, and I didn't take the time to understand your pain. For years, I thought there was something wrong with me, because I would have given you anything, done anything for you if only you'd stayed and it wasn't enough. But I recognize now that I was making my feelings your responsibility. It wasn't fair of me. I didn't know what I was asking of you back then.
Sasuke, I miss my friend. I miss the person who helped me and protected me. We used to smile together, right? The three of us. We used to joke and laugh, and look out for one-another. I miss that. I've been missing that for more of my life than I even had it.
If you won't, or can't accept my feelings, I'll live with that. But can we just not be strangers to each other after all this time?
no subject
It's not her fault.]
Both of us were children then. You shouldn't blame yourself for not knowing. I don't hold anything against you. At the time, all I could see was Itachi. I didn't care about anything or anyone else.
Sakura, I don't know if I can be that person again. It doesn't mean that I'm unwilling to try. [Hesitation, in the span of a moment.] Your feelings aren't something I can return, and even if I could, there's a serious risk that I will hurt you again. It is part of the reason I left the village — I don't trust myself. Naruto knew it, and he said he would stop me if I tried...
It's worse here. I've already attacked two civilians without provocation. I don't know if finding a soulmate will help, or if it will only open that person to the same risk.
no subject
I'm not asking you to be that person again. We've both changed too much to go back. If there was mourning to be done for who you used to be, I've already done that years ago. The only direction for us now is forward.
（ even the thought of finding him and killing him had meant setting certain things aside. she isn't like naruto, who can drag anyone back from the howling precipice of madness. she made her choice then, and she'd make it again now if she had to — the difference is, she wouldn't be so foolish next time, overestimating her own skill while underestimating his. she'd thought that sentiment might get her close enough to kill him, but his cold disregard had shocked her, even then. ）
As for soulmates, I think it helps. At least, it helps more than it hurts. But I understand the concern of being at risk and not wanting to endanger anyone else. Do you have anyone else you could see yourself as being compatible with? I don't believe there's anyone here capable of matching you in combat like Naruto, but it could at least be a stopgap to buy us time.
And I can get stronger, too.
（ she's not going to offer herself as a soulmate candidate — everything between them is too fraught, too tangled. it might legitimately make it worse for both of them. but the one thing she can do for him that would help is train — she's been on equal footing with them both before, she can do it again. the clinic at the docks still takes less of her time than the hospitals in konoha — she's been devoting her free time to reading, mostly, but it's an easy pivot to throw herself into more than just skill maintenance. ）
no subject
Then we'll move forward. If I survive this, we can train.
["if i'm not dead soon" a cool and chill thing to say casually]
I'm not opposed if it would mean control over the corruptive nature of this place, but there is no one compatible that I've found. [You think he's made friends? Well — there was someone, possibly. But he's since destroyed whatever trust might have begun to take root between him and Laurent.]
Your soulmate. What made you choose them?
no subject
It's someone who's helped me since arriving here. Who's been kind, and steady, and I felt I could trust. We have similarly aligned interests as far as helping others and our feelings on humanity. We'd discussed the possibility briefly, due to a misunderstanding. They thought I was offering, when I was speaking in general hypotheticals, but once Naruto...
（ pragmatism, as sasuke had thought, was the thing that had driven her — but she thinks she might have chosen him anyway, given time. the disappearance of their friend had just forced her hand, that was all. ）
It's not overwhelming. Truthfully, I don't even find it to be all that obtrusive, though I suppose it could be with a more exuberant person. But it's still a new bond, so I might learn more in time.
no subject
Doing the same for himself feels impossible. The only person who had shared that interior world of vulnerability had fought with bloody fists for years to reach it. And after everything, Naruto hadn't wanted him that way either.]
I see. That's good.
If you discover more about the connection with time, let me know. Any information is useful at this point with so little known.
no subject
（ she almost leaves it at that. but this conversation has stripped her defenses to the marrow, and she feels raw all over. he has to feel at least as badly as she does. more, maybe. this has required more vulnerability of him than of her. he's sick and hurting, so shouldn't she...?
she takes a deep breath, and puts her anguish aside. friends, she'd said, and meant it.
it's easy to think of it just as offering comfort. she's dedicated her life to providing succor to those in need, and she doesn't think she's ever met anyone who could use that tender touch more than sasuke. ）
It's okay, you know? If it's him.
You don't have to say anything. Just know I want you to be happy, whatever that looks like for you.
So... it's okay.
（ it's not. but it's an easy lie, and one she thinks she could mean in time, if her guess is right. ）
no subject
He wants to say, You're wrong, but he thinks that now he would be lying. How is it okay? is almost his demand instead, fear drumming like a second heart, aware that happiness was never really an option.
Instead he says nothing.]