chokuto

I wouldn't ask if I didn't.

（ as to the rest — he can't always help those moments when he becomes like still water, when the fabric wears thin between what he is and how he seems. humanity, worn long enough, becomes threadbare. ）

I'll explain what I'm thinking in a bit.

[And Sasuke can't help how it makes him feel, in that moment — an opaque pane unbearably familiar for how it closes between them, unknowable. He thinks of his brother again.

Yet the kiss, and the words, stabilize a composure that threatens to scatter in the wind. Sasuke nods, nudging the book he was reading away to make space on the bed — Vis-a-vis: Beginning French — and then spreads out his shirt. Carefully, he picks up Cy's purchased foods and wraps them in the fabric, a makeshift bag to allow easier transportation. He looks back toward Cy, expecting that this journey will be done through the void.]

Okay.

（ it's a fair enough assumption to make, and once sasuke tidies things up, gathers the food and belongings, cy stands up, tugs sasuke likewise to his feet and in against him. one hand cups the back of his head, fingers feathering in his hair as much in a gesture of comfort as one meant to block his vision, and then the shift happens. the cold, the ash, the taste of that frigid air like something long burnt — and then they're in his room. cy takes the parcel of treats from sasuke and sets it down, and then pulls his own shirt off over his head so they're roughly equal amounts of unclothed. from there, he settles into his bed and reaches for sasuke to follow him. ）

[Once they've appeared in Cy's room and his vision is returned to him, Sasuke watches as the man partially undresses and climbs onto the bed. It feels like an act he's seen a hundred times by now — yet he's stilled, briefly, with reluctance less that has to do with his own want than a lingering anticipation for the other shoe to drop.

It's an easy choice either way. He climbs onto the bed, gingerly lowering a bruised and battered body onto Cy's other side, and waits to be spoken to.]

（ the physicality is the important thing. sasuke joins him on the bed, and he — makes space, because it's easy to make space, because sasuke fits against him the way water hugs a shoreline. he lets his hand skim across his side, up over his shoulder. ）

I'm not angry. This isn't going to be a larger issue, and you haven't done anything that has changed my mind about you. We're a team. We'll work this out.

（ that's the first, important thing. ）

Do you understand why I'm hurt?

（ not angry, not annoyed, not disappointed. hurt. because it is an offering of vulnerability, something ripped open and bled raw — and because he knows that will make sasuke pay more attention to the root of the issue than he would if he simply felt chastised. ）

[That touch is grounding, and now engaged he sinks into it, a little desperate for the seal of skin on skin as they tuck in together. He allows his head to rest on Cy's shoulder, exhale fluttering breath that stirs the dark fringe of his own hair.]

I don't... know for sure. You said that you wanted me to tell you sooner.

[Is that why? Because he didn't report his condition to Cy before the man left? Yet — the soreness turns over in him, bruised, and he doesn't think he can piece it together so readily with words.]

I wasn't trying to hurt you.

I know. I didn't think you were.

（ sasuke is wilfully cruel to only one person that way: himself. cy has no doubt that he had imposed the silence on himself as penance for the dark twist of jealousy and shame that would have arisen from cy's statements. the hurt was incidental, more a casualty of sasuke's own volatile emotions than a reflection on sasuke's feelings for him.

he shifts, leaning down so he can press his mouth to sasuke's hair. ）

Why did you decide to keep it from me? Let's start there.

[He lets his right arm stretch out, tentatively sliding around Cy's body in a partial embrace, but he stops halfway to a twinge of pain from bruised ribs. A slow, small breath.]

I didn't believe it was a serious issue. I've been injured much worse before.

[— it isn't the full truth, so Sasuke tries, pushing himself toward that honesty even as it feels closer to a trap laid out beneath his feet.]

... It would have seemed like I was trying to make you stay.

Do you want to know what it would have felt like to me? If you'd asked?

（ at the hitch of that breath, cy lets his hand slip to the broken ribs, letting his hand rest against that spot. it's not quite as stabilizing as if they taped it up, but the weight will keep the fractured edges of the bone from grating together. ）

[He doesn't trust himself to speak, so he only nods, because he wants to know — of course he wants to know. The spot Cy touches is warm; he can't tell if it's from the damage beneath or from the natural heat of Cy's usual body temperature.]

It would've felt like someone that I care about, who I already know is used to handling these sorts of things alone, trusted me in a vulnerable moment. I wouldn't have thought it was manipulation, or something pathetic. It's okay to need me, or want company, or to be selfish with my time.

（ his other hand seeks sasuke's out, and just curls around his fingers, holding him. ）

I would've found a way to make it work for you. I would've wanted to.

[He tries not to take too quick of a breath; it helps to have Cy's palm there over the injury, steadying him, keeping bone in place. But the force of the emotion is intense — it runs over him like a river, face tucked further down into the sanctity of Cy's shoulder, inhaling the scent of his skin, indulging in the warmth. Three days isn't a long time, but he missed this. Every night.]

It didn't feel right to ask for that. You said someone was in danger. [Fingers fold tight over Cy's own, knuckles whitened from the pressure.] ... And you were going to be with them for a while.

[Excavating this admission, stark and obvious as it is already, is hard.]

I was jealous. I didn't want to be, but I was.

It wasn't up to you to make that decision without me. Whether it was wrong or right. Part of having a partnership with someone is talking these things out.

（ he strokes at the back of sasuke's knuckles with his thumb, not minding the strength of the grip. it's just a soft, grounding reminder that the words aren't said in anger, that his reaction isn't going to be punitive, that there won't be a withdrawal of withholding of affection as a retaliation. ）

It's okay to be jealous. That's a human emotion, it's going to be something we have to deal with from time to time just because of how this place is set up. I know it sucks to stand it, but it's better talked about than buried.

[Some of the tension eases out of him like poison leached from a wound — all for the sake of putting voice behind thoughts that have piled up the last few days.]

I'm sorry. [This in a ragged exhale, but it's meant.] It's new to me. A partnership.

[As Cy knows.]

I can't say this is the only time I'll make a mistake like this. I don't want to, but — it's all I've known. So, if you change your mind, about being with me... I'd understand that too.

Don't say that again, please.

（ his voice is quiet, but it's underlaid with steel. ）

I've already chosen you. What was that you said, 'my attention isn't so shallow'? Yeah. There's nothing you can do that's unfixable. When we run into issues like this, we talk about it, and we move forward. I'd never write off knowing you because of a mistake that comes from nowhere else but just — not having experience.

（ he lifts sasuke's hand, and presses his lips against the back of it. ）

We good?

[A nod, more physically felt than seen where his face is stuffed against a broad shoulder. Then he lifts his head, seeking Cy's dark eyes.]

Yes. [We're good. His fingers twitch, loosened from their bloodless clutch, thumb grazing Cy's lower lip.] I missed you.

[Three days isn't long — but it had felt like it.]

Edited 2024-03-10 22:18 (UTC)

I missed you too.

（ it doesn't just sound like a reciprocal statement. there is genuine truth there — he may struggle with the perception of time in a broadly general sense, but he's gotten used to having sasuke in his space, and that absence was an ache.

someone, somewhere would probably call this co-dependency. he recognizes his own tendency to form intense bonds that can shake the foundation of the earth, things that are fire-bright and meteoric, and that often end in death. he recognizes that, and yet he's still here. ）

Saw that book. Studying French?

[It thaws the remainder of that worry, shifts the tangled strands of doubt into clearer lines — that one mistake won't spell any undoing, and Cy cares about him enough to navigate the problems that arise between them. He can't recall the last time he'd had an argument that did not become explosive and misunderstood, that was not instead solved either through cold dismissiveness or the end of a fist.

The point of his chin nudges Cy's collar as he tries to sit up.]

Yes. Properly, since you said that I was cheating. [Which he would still argue — what is so wrong about using his own learned ability to get ahead? Still, there's satisfaction in this, the rudimentary process of only a book and a pencil and his mind.]

Je veux, [mindful of injury he leans closer, accented voice drawling] a kiss. ... I don't know the French word for it.

I don't really care if you cheat. I was just teasing you in the moment.

（ but who is he to turn away that attention? sasuke slots himself closer, asking for a kiss in a way that gentles all the tension of the last half hour out of them. ）

'Un baiser'. You can also say 'bisou'. Both are nouns. Embrasse is the verb. 'To kiss'. I want to kiss you too. Je veux aussi t'embrasser.

（ they settle into that. the interplay, sasuke testing out new words and accepting gentle correction or guidance. given the state of his injuries, cy's not willing to go much further than just kissing alone, but it proves to be a good way to spend the afternoon — and by the time evening bleeds into night, the air is lighter. ）

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(soft handwaves)