chokuto

[It might never end, on that path. And Cy is right. It hadn't ended — it never ended. No matter what he did, no matter what new goal he set himself toward, once it was achieved that feeling remained inside of him, eating away his every thought even after he returned to the village. Perhaps Naruto had quieted it, or made it more bearable, but that was temporary.

He still had to live with himself after everything. No one would know that fate better than Cy.]

Okay. I know you're right. I'm trying. It's just... hard, sometimes, when I remember what I've done. I can see it so clearly with these eyes.

[He turns his face against Cy's chest, listening to the heartbeat beneath.]

They don't save only the good memories.

Edited (ew repetition) 2024-05-02 01:58 (UTC)

Then we make more.

（ some things you can't crowd out. but sasuke's so young — he's got time to put his hands in the dirt and do the work of becoming. ）

We can't overwrite the bad, but we can crowd it out. It becomes easier, as you get further removed. This is all still fresh for you, but the more you think about it, accept what you've done, and find it in yourself to hold space for forgiveness anyways — eventually, you'll come to a place where you can look at who you used to be and just feel sad for him, instead of angry or bitter or resentful. Sasuke, you genuinely weren't well. That's not a comment on your strength, or your resiliency — you were dealing with trauma and grief in a way that most people could never understand or relate to. Anyone else, experiencing what you did, would have broke. And maybe a part of you did, for a while.

（ it's nothing shameful. cy's talked about his own experiences with such circumstances — crying over fish. ）

And it's okay. Because that doesn't make you any less worthy of healing, and of love. It doesn't diminish any of the good you deserve. I'm sorry that your world wasn't equipped to help you in a way that would help more than hurt, but — （ he pushes sasuke back a little, and takes his chin in hand. tips his head up so he can meet his eyes. ） I need you to believe me when I say you aren't a bad person. You've just done bad things.

[The words run through him, coaxing that tide of emotion — and as soon as Cy nudges him back to look at his eyes, those glossy tears spill out, streaking his cheeks. He's quiet less because of any attempt to suffocate the expression of emotionality than it is as a result of what they're discussing. He's never thought he deserved forgiveness, or anything good, but Cy makes him want to believe he could.

He pushes his face forward again, burrowing against Cy's chest until the outpour of hurt calms.]

I don't always... realize that it's still affecting me.

[These moments are like a purge — and though he still feels shame, leaning on Cy like this again and again, he knows better than to question whether Cy is only putting up with him. It wouldn't be fair to make that accusation.]

But I want to create better memories. With you.

It's going to affect you. Even years from now, there'll be moments when the pain winds you. When you're having a good day, and things are going well, and — something takes you back. A smell, a sound, a sensation. It never stops. Your ability to manage yourself is what changes.

（ he lets sasuke cry without censure or comment. there's nothing else to be done but to hold him through it. necessary catharsis isn't always pretty. his hand rubs slow circles against his back. ）

And hey, we already are. You've grown so much already, and come so far. This will keep getting easier over time as long as you keep putting that work in. And there might be times when you regress, or fall back on old habits because they're what you learned to rely on to keep you alive. That's part of recovery, too.

（ the trick is to get up one more time than you've been knocked down. ）

Can you do me a favour? Write a letter to this Laurent guy. Even if you never see him again, even if it doesn't matter. You'll feel better if you can articulate your thoughts and feelings down in a productive way. Apologize if you want, get mad if you want, it can be as long or short as you care to think about. Afterwards, you can burn it. I think you'll feel... not better, but. It gets the infection out.

[When the tears stop, he feels — clearer, somehow. Arm occupied, he wipes his face on the front of Cy's shirt, a soft apology given for the wet-damp mark he leaves behind on the fabric.]

You're speaking from experience. Aren't you?

[Cy has come so far himself — he is certain that each piece of advice, each reassurance and measured guidance, is because Cy has had to contend with a darkness of his own. The things he's done.]

... I'll consider it. A letter. [Is there a point, if Laurent will never read it? But perhaps it would get these thoughts out of his head. As Cy says: the infection.] I didn't mean for the conversation to go here — I haven't thought about that dimension in a while. At least it's gone now. This one may be another prison, but as long as we... have sex, it seems the worst can be avoided. I'm not hurting anyone here.

Yep.

（ he's never taken an issue with letting sasuke see his pain, but here — he doesn't dwell on it. that's not the point. and he knows, also, that sasuke won't take it as a dismissal or a rejection, a refusal to share. ）

Hey, conversation's about the journey. Doesn't matter where we go as long as we're together, huh?

（ he pets at sasuke's hair gently, not caring about the damp spot on his shirt at all. ）

Gettin' better at that knife handling, though. How're you feeling?

Grateful.

[He looks up, meeting Cy's eyes — his own still a little bloodshot.]

For you.

Does your boyfriend know you're a sap?

（ he leans in to say it, rubbing his nose playfully against sasuke's as he leans in. ）

Because somebody should probably tell him.

I think he already knows.

[Good thing his arm is already around Cy's waist, because it's easy to tip him to the side and onto the bed. Let the cuddling commence.]

But it's a secret, so don't tell anyone else.

I'm pretty bad at keeping secrets.

（ he proceeds to Do A Barrel Roll with sasuke tucked into his arms, hefting him until he's on top and can lean down to murmur: ）

You might have to bribe me.

[Excuse me, who said you get to top the cuddle pile too? He's not going down without a fight.]

Sexually?

（ they can tussle all sasuke wants, tbqh. cy has no especial objection to any which way they wind up.

in a tone of mock-scandal: ）

Young man. I have other interests than sex, you know. You could bribe me with candy — （ clearly this is just code for stealing a kiss as they wrangle each other about. one knee hits the wall and all his rickety shelves shake, because fuck sound engineering actually — ） or interesting rocks, or sweet nothings murmured in my ear.

（ sasuke briefly wins the wrestling match, which means cy has to sit halfly up to chase him for a second kiss. ）

Hey — you wanna spar? The fun kind, not the serious kind.

[No, the cuddle war is serious, and Sasuke is determined to win — which is why looks proud when he's managed to subdue Cy on his back momentarily, sitting astride the man's hips with a huff.

... the look softens, a little, for the kiss.]

I'm not used to that distinction. [Serious is fun. Or, it used to be.] But — I won't deny that I'd like to see how you fight. [Swiftly amended:] For fun. Maybe you can teach me something new.

Bitch, you walk on water and think I've got anything to teach you?

（ it's said wryly — there probably are a few things he knows that sasuke doesn't, but sasuke's got an arsenal at his disposal that is certainly nothing to sneeze at, even if kulo vayn's pure, destructive power eclipses it by far. ）

Not that I'm averse to trying...

There's always something to learn.

[He stretches down so that he's effectively lying on top of Cy's chest, propping his chin up to look at Cy's face.]

Are we setting stakes? The one who wins earns a prize?

[You must sate his competitive nature, at least.]

（ he laughs, props one hand behind his head. ）

I can't think of a better prize than you, and you're already mine.

（ his grin is mischievous. ）

But what's on your mind?

You say those things so easily sometimes...

[If he's sappy, Cy is syrup.]

The loser has to plan a date for the winner. [Is this really losing? No, but shut up.] And — the winner gets to decide what we do after.

（ eyes bright and smile so far beyond besotted it would be embarrassing if he had an ounce of shame anywhere in his body, he can only nod in agreement. ）

Deal.

（ and then, with a juvenile sort of impatience that seems to decry the passage of years that's brought him to this point: ）

Now?

[That — makes him laugh, in the quiet and reserved way he does around Cy.]

Usually I'm the impatient one. We can, now. I don't have any plans today.

[None that weren't dependent on spending time with Cy.]

Maybe I wanna see you in your element.

（ a pause. then: ）

Your other element. You have many.

[He sits up a little, weight distributed onto his right hand.]

Where? In the gym?

Sure — I don't see why not.

( he rests his hands on sasuke's thighs, squeezing lightly. )

How about... first one to pin the other to the mats wins?

[Don't squeeze him like that, Satan, you're only going to make him horny on the topic of fighting.]

That seems fair. I'll avoid using chakra. [Shifts, slightly, on Cy's hips.] You won't go easy on me, will you?

（ who says that's not the end goal?? smh. ）

Nah. But I'm more of a dancer than a fighter, and it's been a long time since I've done anything martial, so there's a good chance I'll be going easy on me.

（ there's a flex of powerful thighs, and then cy twists them into a flip of their positions, one hand pinning sasuke's down against the mattress. ）

Come and get me, beloved.

（ he leans down, kisses the bridge of sasuke's nose and then transmats out, leaving behind only the brief, sinister chill of that magic.

by the time sasuke arrives at the gym, he's sitting on one of the mats in a calm, meditative pose with his hands resting in his lap and a wooden practice sword laid out in front of him. one eye cracks open to regard him, and then: ）

Grab a weapon. We'll have some fun.

[There's a hitch in his breath when Cy subverts their positions, when he's put on his back with that easy and effortless strength that exudes from the man — left a bit dizzy from the display of affection. Then Cy is gone in a bite of cold energy, the room feeling so much emptier than before in his wake.

Sasuke wastes no time, rolling off the bed onto quick feet to slip on his shoes and head where he knows Cy is. Once over the threshold of one of Talon's open training rooms, he shrugs off the hoodie he's wearing in a strip-down to the sleeveless, wide-necked top beneath. These days he doesn't dress this way often, mostly because of his arm — but Cy has seen him in all states before, and generally he keeps the limb bandaged from view anyway.

With a bit of overeager obedience he goes for one of the wooden swords and hefts it up, angles it toward Cy.]

Any other rules?

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