chokuto

Come to my room. Now.

[He was doing laundry in the common area before being stalled by this conversation — and Cy's words, an order in another context, coax him back into motion. The basket of laundered clothes goes against his right hip, arm slung over it, and he takes the stairs in silence.

Reaching that familiar door, he simply leans his forehead against it since his hand is preoccupied and unable to knock. Through the thin paneling —]

I'm here.

( the door opens without delay, and cy reaches for him to pull him inside. the basket is taken and set down on the foot of the bed, and cy wraps sasuke up in his arms, kisses his temple and then lets him go to focus on folding the laundry. )

Sit down. Tell me what happened.

[Those arms are a comfort he sinks into, safe behind the seal of the closed door. His skin is warm where Cy has kissed it. Once released, he drops obediently onto the bed beside the basket, looking at his feet.]

My mind... wasn't clear back then, but I remember everything. [His Sharingan had been activated, after all, so he could not physically forget.] I remember feeling angry. It was the Shadow eating at me, but it was my own emotions that fueled it. Naruto was gone by then. I thought he was dead, permanently, in that place. Laurent was one of the few connections I'd made, but it was fragile and we didn't know how to talk to each other. Still, it was important. I felt closer to him than others.

So... I cornered him. We both knew he didn't have the power to fight back. He became volatile to defend himself. [A breath.] He said cruel words. Maybe he meant some of them. I don't hold it against him — he was afraid.

I believed, once, that I could only achieve my goals if I was alone. I tried to sever every relationship I had through violence if necessary. Kakashi. Sakura. ... Naruto. [His gaze slips sideways, never higher than the floor.] That was how I felt then, like I was reliving it all over again. That I needed to sever Laurent from me.

I tried to get him to fight back, but he wouldn't. So I broke his arm and electrocuted him. It was almost enough to kill him. [Quietly,] Almost. Then I took him inside, because it was snowing. I watched him all night. When he woke, he forced me to leave. I promised he wouldn't see me again.

[There's one more memory between that moment and the end, but even he doesn't know how he would put it into words. And it doesn't matter, because didn't Laurent get his wish? He'll never see him again.]

You're going to say I didn't really want to kill him. Maybe that's true. But I still tried. More than once I've tried. I've killed people who didn't deserve it, soldiers. What if it never stops?

（ he folds laundry while sasuke talks. works his way through the pairing of socks and the neat, square dimensions of shirts. his hand will sometimes linger on something he's had direct experience peeling off of the boy — that blue sweater that he loves so well — and then he moves onto the next piece, and the next. and when he's done, he sets the bin down beside the bed and then turns to sasuke and kneels to either side of his hips on the bed, sitting across his thighs as he finishes speaking. ）

What if it never stops. （ the flat affect strips the question from the words. ） That's not the question people ask themselves if they care about stopping, you know?

（ he lifts a hand to sasuke's cheek, brushes his hair away from his eyes. ）

You're telling me, you thought you were dead. You were in a miserable shithole of a place with something influencing your mind and your thoughts, calling on darker impulses. You were grieving a man you love, thinking you'd never see him again. All that pressure, all that pain, and you still held back.

（ his hand slips downward, palming against the side of sasuke's throat before he tugs him nearer to press a soft kiss to his forehead. ）

It's natural to lash out when you're hurting. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't mean it's justified, and it doesn't mean things will be okay afterwards, for those people you affected. But it also doesn't mean you're a monster. （ a beat. ） Are you the same man you were six months ago?

[Once Cy is closer, on the bed with him and over his lap, Sasuke — buckles forward. The kiss to his forehead allows the sentiment to expose itself to the nerve. He presses his face against the man's chest, inhaling that familiar scent. Calmed by it.]

No. [To the question; his voice is not completely steady.] Six months isn't a long time, but... a lot has happened. I met you.

[He doesn't curb the impulse to wrap his arm around Cy's waist, bolstered by physical contact between them.]

How do I make up for it? Everything I've done. That was my goal when I left my village the second time — after they released me. I wanted to atone.

Putting good into the world is a start.

( both arms settle around him, and cy leans his cheek down against the crown of his hair. )

But if you keep hating yourself, you're just — pouring that goodness into a black hole inside you. It'll never be enough, and you'll never be satisfied. And it's selfish, too, in a way. Wanting to do good not for its own sake, but because you think it will balance the scales. And when it doesn't work, you'll get angry and frustrated and you might slip. It might never end, on that path.

( one hand strokes down sasuke's spine, steady and sure. )

You have to change how you see yourself for it to really matter. Let the good become part of your nature instead of a thing you use to flagellate yourself.

[It might never end, on that path. And Cy is right. It hadn't ended — it never ended. No matter what he did, no matter what new goal he set himself toward, once it was achieved that feeling remained inside of him, eating away his every thought even after he returned to the village. Perhaps Naruto had quieted it, or made it more bearable, but that was temporary.

He still had to live with himself after everything. No one would know that fate better than Cy.]

Okay. I know you're right. I'm trying. It's just... hard, sometimes, when I remember what I've done. I can see it so clearly with these eyes.

[He turns his face against Cy's chest, listening to the heartbeat beneath.]

They don't save only the good memories.

Edited (ew repetition) 2024-05-02 01:58 (UTC)

Then we make more.

（ some things you can't crowd out. but sasuke's so young — he's got time to put his hands in the dirt and do the work of becoming. ）

We can't overwrite the bad, but we can crowd it out. It becomes easier, as you get further removed. This is all still fresh for you, but the more you think about it, accept what you've done, and find it in yourself to hold space for forgiveness anyways — eventually, you'll come to a place where you can look at who you used to be and just feel sad for him, instead of angry or bitter or resentful. Sasuke, you genuinely weren't well. That's not a comment on your strength, or your resiliency — you were dealing with trauma and grief in a way that most people could never understand or relate to. Anyone else, experiencing what you did, would have broke. And maybe a part of you did, for a while.

（ it's nothing shameful. cy's talked about his own experiences with such circumstances — crying over fish. ）

And it's okay. Because that doesn't make you any less worthy of healing, and of love. It doesn't diminish any of the good you deserve. I'm sorry that your world wasn't equipped to help you in a way that would help more than hurt, but — （ he pushes sasuke back a little, and takes his chin in hand. tips his head up so he can meet his eyes. ） I need you to believe me when I say you aren't a bad person. You've just done bad things.

[The words run through him, coaxing that tide of emotion — and as soon as Cy nudges him back to look at his eyes, those glossy tears spill out, streaking his cheeks. He's quiet less because of any attempt to suffocate the expression of emotionality than it is as a result of what they're discussing. He's never thought he deserved forgiveness, or anything good, but Cy makes him want to believe he could.

He pushes his face forward again, burrowing against Cy's chest until the outpour of hurt calms.]

I don't always... realize that it's still affecting me.

[These moments are like a purge — and though he still feels shame, leaning on Cy like this again and again, he knows better than to question whether Cy is only putting up with him. It wouldn't be fair to make that accusation.]

But I want to create better memories. With you.

It's going to affect you. Even years from now, there'll be moments when the pain winds you. When you're having a good day, and things are going well, and — something takes you back. A smell, a sound, a sensation. It never stops. Your ability to manage yourself is what changes.

（ he lets sasuke cry without censure or comment. there's nothing else to be done but to hold him through it. necessary catharsis isn't always pretty. his hand rubs slow circles against his back. ）

And hey, we already are. You've grown so much already, and come so far. This will keep getting easier over time as long as you keep putting that work in. And there might be times when you regress, or fall back on old habits because they're what you learned to rely on to keep you alive. That's part of recovery, too.

（ the trick is to get up one more time than you've been knocked down. ）

Can you do me a favour? Write a letter to this Laurent guy. Even if you never see him again, even if it doesn't matter. You'll feel better if you can articulate your thoughts and feelings down in a productive way. Apologize if you want, get mad if you want, it can be as long or short as you care to think about. Afterwards, you can burn it. I think you'll feel... not better, but. It gets the infection out.

[When the tears stop, he feels — clearer, somehow. Arm occupied, he wipes his face on the front of Cy's shirt, a soft apology given for the wet-damp mark he leaves behind on the fabric.]

You're speaking from experience. Aren't you?

[Cy has come so far himself — he is certain that each piece of advice, each reassurance and measured guidance, is because Cy has had to contend with a darkness of his own. The things he's done.]

... I'll consider it. A letter. [Is there a point, if Laurent will never read it? But perhaps it would get these thoughts out of his head. As Cy says: the infection.] I didn't mean for the conversation to go here — I haven't thought about that dimension in a while. At least it's gone now. This one may be another prison, but as long as we... have sex, it seems the worst can be avoided. I'm not hurting anyone here.

Yep.

（ he's never taken an issue with letting sasuke see his pain, but here — he doesn't dwell on it. that's not the point. and he knows, also, that sasuke won't take it as a dismissal or a rejection, a refusal to share. ）

Hey, conversation's about the journey. Doesn't matter where we go as long as we're together, huh?

（ he pets at sasuke's hair gently, not caring about the damp spot on his shirt at all. ）

Gettin' better at that knife handling, though. How're you feeling?

Grateful.

[He looks up, meeting Cy's eyes — his own still a little bloodshot.]

For you.

Does your boyfriend know you're a sap?

（ he leans in to say it, rubbing his nose playfully against sasuke's as he leans in. ）

Because somebody should probably tell him.

I think he already knows.

[Good thing his arm is already around Cy's waist, because it's easy to tip him to the side and onto the bed. Let the cuddling commence.]

But it's a secret, so don't tell anyone else.

I'm pretty bad at keeping secrets.

（ he proceeds to Do A Barrel Roll with sasuke tucked into his arms, hefting him until he's on top and can lean down to murmur: ）

You might have to bribe me.

[Excuse me, who said you get to top the cuddle pile too? He's not going down without a fight.]

Sexually?

（ they can tussle all sasuke wants, tbqh. cy has no especial objection to any which way they wind up.

in a tone of mock-scandal: ）

Young man. I have other interests than sex, you know. You could bribe me with candy — （ clearly this is just code for stealing a kiss as they wrangle each other about. one knee hits the wall and all his rickety shelves shake, because fuck sound engineering actually — ） or interesting rocks, or sweet nothings murmured in my ear.

（ sasuke briefly wins the wrestling match, which means cy has to sit halfly up to chase him for a second kiss. ）

Hey — you wanna spar? The fun kind, not the serious kind.

[No, the cuddle war is serious, and Sasuke is determined to win — which is why looks proud when he's managed to subdue Cy on his back momentarily, sitting astride the man's hips with a huff.

... the look softens, a little, for the kiss.]

I'm not used to that distinction. [Serious is fun. Or, it used to be.] But — I won't deny that I'd like to see how you fight. [Swiftly amended:] For fun. Maybe you can teach me something new.

Bitch, you walk on water and think I've got anything to teach you?

（ it's said wryly — there probably are a few things he knows that sasuke doesn't, but sasuke's got an arsenal at his disposal that is certainly nothing to sneeze at, even if kulo vayn's pure, destructive power eclipses it by far. ）

Not that I'm averse to trying...

There's always something to learn.

[He stretches down so that he's effectively lying on top of Cy's chest, propping his chin up to look at Cy's face.]

Are we setting stakes? The one who wins earns a prize?

[You must sate his competitive nature, at least.]

（ he laughs, props one hand behind his head. ）

I can't think of a better prize than you, and you're already mine.

（ his grin is mischievous. ）

But what's on your mind?

You say those things so easily sometimes...

[If he's sappy, Cy is syrup.]

The loser has to plan a date for the winner. [Is this really losing? No, but shut up.] And — the winner gets to decide what we do after.

（ eyes bright and smile so far beyond besotted it would be embarrassing if he had an ounce of shame anywhere in his body, he can only nod in agreement. ）

Deal.

（ and then, with a juvenile sort of impatience that seems to decry the passage of years that's brought him to this point: ）

Now?

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