chokuto

I thought mind-altering substances couldn't affect you.

It's hard to imagine, but now I want to know what it looks like. Maybe we can see in genjutsu.

Have you decided what you're going to try with Tseng?

they do not in point of fact but it's the principle of the thing u know? i can still smoke a fat doobie for shiggles.

u can absolutely turn me into ur own personal sim in genjutsu any time u want tbh. wait could u make ME a woman in genjutsu? i gotta know what i'd look like w/tits that'd be a wild ride

and nah, not yet. prob smth w/impact play bc i Halfly Suspect that's where ur interest would be w/him, non?

（ ah, the ever-degrading grammar... ）

[When his ability to understand Cy's sentences worsens, at least it's usually because he's Being Funny... and not for a serious reason.]

I'm not even going to ask what that means.

"Sim"? And I suppose I could, but I've never tried that before. I don't know how successful it would be, since genjutsu is meant to be used as a weapon. I wouldn't want it to go wrong.

Yes, that's true, but something simple. I don't know that I could do anything as intense as you and I have done. Also, maybe bondage, now that... you've introduced me to that.

wise. love me my recreational narcotics tho.

a sim's like... uh. shit. like a little digital person you take care of??? you can change their appearance/clothes/etc. i think. idk i've never played the game. and tbh, who cares if it's a weapon? a knife can cut a birthday cake AND stab a dude. lotta shit can live in both worlds, ya fine. u couldn't hurt me 😋

okay 👍🏻 i'll chat w/him.

do you want to know what we get up to or nah?

[stop it with the cute emoji faces?]

Then you're definitely not a Sim to me. [That sure is a sentence.] It's your mind, so I have to be careful, even if it's just an illusion. Even if you can't be harmed. I could get it wrong, which would be [EMBARRASSING] awkward.

I should probably know.

It doesn't bother me, because I feel confident with where you and I stand.

i do not think u are capable of getting things wrong tbh. sounds fake.

okay, i will keep u in the loop.

also can i just be wildly sappy for a sec and yell abt how much i love u from the treetops

bc im feelin' it rn 🥹🥹🥹

I've made plenty of mistakes.

[His heart... it's too weak for this... and those stupid big-eyed yellow faces.]

😼

I love you too.

YOU USE EMOJIS NOW?

No. But I liked that one.

I learned about these symbols in the last dimension I visited.

u know u haven't rly told me much abt it overall

It was called the Netherworld, and its main city was Stygia. We believed that we had all died and were now in the afterlife — and the remainder of our souls was being threatened by something called Oblivium. Now I realize it was all an elaborate delusion, but perhaps some of it was real. Parts of it felt real. Survival was more difficult in that place. We had to contend with Shadows, our worse selves which affected our thoughts and drew out our darker beliefs. Some of what I've felt here reminds me of those Shadows, except less sexual.

Sakura and Naruto were with me for a while. I never really became... close with others. [Ichigo, if they'd had more time.] I hurt someone, though, and he hated me. It's why I was even more concerned when I began to experience the influence of the suit in that first month. Why I isolated myself.

I like it here better, which surprises me, but I know that is mostly because of you.

Edited 2024-05-01 01:58 (UTC)

（ as always, with sasuke, there's as much in what he doesn't say as what he does. naruto and sakura, names he knows. but, i hurt someone, given the enormity of sasuke's issues with being a danger to others — it takes him no time at all to write back: ）

do you wanna talk abt it? the guy you hurt.

（ the other things can wait, even if that because of you warms him to the core. ）

I should. You're the only person I've told.

I think that I was trying to kill him. I deserved his hatred.

you don't deserve anyone's hatred.

you've only ever acted out of pain, not malice. it doesn't excuse what you've done, but it does mean there's room to interpret your actions with a little grace.

what was his name?

I was... confused. I wouldn't have done it if I was thinking rationally — but maybe not. Maybe that's who I am. At any point, I could become that again, because it's in my nature. Does it matter why?

Laurent. He had been hurt badly before too.

Come to my room. Now.

[He was doing laundry in the common area before being stalled by this conversation — and Cy's words, an order in another context, coax him back into motion. The basket of laundered clothes goes against his right hip, arm slung over it, and he takes the stairs in silence.

Reaching that familiar door, he simply leans his forehead against it since his hand is preoccupied and unable to knock. Through the thin paneling —]

I'm here.

( the door opens without delay, and cy reaches for him to pull him inside. the basket is taken and set down on the foot of the bed, and cy wraps sasuke up in his arms, kisses his temple and then lets him go to focus on folding the laundry. )

Sit down. Tell me what happened.

[Those arms are a comfort he sinks into, safe behind the seal of the closed door. His skin is warm where Cy has kissed it. Once released, he drops obediently onto the bed beside the basket, looking at his feet.]

My mind... wasn't clear back then, but I remember everything. [His Sharingan had been activated, after all, so he could not physically forget.] I remember feeling angry. It was the Shadow eating at me, but it was my own emotions that fueled it. Naruto was gone by then. I thought he was dead, permanently, in that place. Laurent was one of the few connections I'd made, but it was fragile and we didn't know how to talk to each other. Still, it was important. I felt closer to him than others.

So... I cornered him. We both knew he didn't have the power to fight back. He became volatile to defend himself. [A breath.] He said cruel words. Maybe he meant some of them. I don't hold it against him — he was afraid.

I believed, once, that I could only achieve my goals if I was alone. I tried to sever every relationship I had through violence if necessary. Kakashi. Sakura. ... Naruto. [His gaze slips sideways, never higher than the floor.] That was how I felt then, like I was reliving it all over again. That I needed to sever Laurent from me.

I tried to get him to fight back, but he wouldn't. So I broke his arm and electrocuted him. It was almost enough to kill him. [Quietly,] Almost. Then I took him inside, because it was snowing. I watched him all night. When he woke, he forced me to leave. I promised he wouldn't see me again.

[There's one more memory between that moment and the end, but even he doesn't know how he would put it into words. And it doesn't matter, because didn't Laurent get his wish? He'll never see him again.]

You're going to say I didn't really want to kill him. Maybe that's true. But I still tried. More than once I've tried. I've killed people who didn't deserve it, soldiers. What if it never stops?

（ he folds laundry while sasuke talks. works his way through the pairing of socks and the neat, square dimensions of shirts. his hand will sometimes linger on something he's had direct experience peeling off of the boy — that blue sweater that he loves so well — and then he moves onto the next piece, and the next. and when he's done, he sets the bin down beside the bed and then turns to sasuke and kneels to either side of his hips on the bed, sitting across his thighs as he finishes speaking. ）

What if it never stops. （ the flat affect strips the question from the words. ） That's not the question people ask themselves if they care about stopping, you know?

（ he lifts a hand to sasuke's cheek, brushes his hair away from his eyes. ）

You're telling me, you thought you were dead. You were in a miserable shithole of a place with something influencing your mind and your thoughts, calling on darker impulses. You were grieving a man you love, thinking you'd never see him again. All that pressure, all that pain, and you still held back.

（ his hand slips downward, palming against the side of sasuke's throat before he tugs him nearer to press a soft kiss to his forehead. ）

It's natural to lash out when you're hurting. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't mean it's justified, and it doesn't mean things will be okay afterwards, for those people you affected. But it also doesn't mean you're a monster. （ a beat. ） Are you the same man you were six months ago?

[Once Cy is closer, on the bed with him and over his lap, Sasuke — buckles forward. The kiss to his forehead allows the sentiment to expose itself to the nerve. He presses his face against the man's chest, inhaling that familiar scent. Calmed by it.]

No. [To the question; his voice is not completely steady.] Six months isn't a long time, but... a lot has happened. I met you.

[He doesn't curb the impulse to wrap his arm around Cy's waist, bolstered by physical contact between them.]

How do I make up for it? Everything I've done. That was my goal when I left my village the second time — after they released me. I wanted to atone.

Putting good into the world is a start.

( both arms settle around him, and cy leans his cheek down against the crown of his hair. )

But if you keep hating yourself, you're just — pouring that goodness into a black hole inside you. It'll never be enough, and you'll never be satisfied. And it's selfish, too, in a way. Wanting to do good not for its own sake, but because you think it will balance the scales. And when it doesn't work, you'll get angry and frustrated and you might slip. It might never end, on that path.

( one hand strokes down sasuke's spine, steady and sure. )

You have to change how you see yourself for it to really matter. Let the good become part of your nature instead of a thing you use to flagellate yourself.

[It might never end, on that path. And Cy is right. It hadn't ended — it never ended. No matter what he did, no matter what new goal he set himself toward, once it was achieved that feeling remained inside of him, eating away his every thought even after he returned to the village. Perhaps Naruto had quieted it, or made it more bearable, but that was temporary.

He still had to live with himself after everything. No one would know that fate better than Cy.]

Okay. I know you're right. I'm trying. It's just... hard, sometimes, when I remember what I've done. I can see it so clearly with these eyes.

[He turns his face against Cy's chest, listening to the heartbeat beneath.]

They don't save only the good memories.

Edited (ew repetition) 2024-05-02 01:58 (UTC)

Then we make more.

（ some things you can't crowd out. but sasuke's so young — he's got time to put his hands in the dirt and do the work of becoming. ）

We can't overwrite the bad, but we can crowd it out. It becomes easier, as you get further removed. This is all still fresh for you, but the more you think about it, accept what you've done, and find it in yourself to hold space for forgiveness anyways — eventually, you'll come to a place where you can look at who you used to be and just feel sad for him, instead of angry or bitter or resentful. Sasuke, you genuinely weren't well. That's not a comment on your strength, or your resiliency — you were dealing with trauma and grief in a way that most people could never understand or relate to. Anyone else, experiencing what you did, would have broke. And maybe a part of you did, for a while.

（ it's nothing shameful. cy's talked about his own experiences with such circumstances — crying over fish. ）

And it's okay. Because that doesn't make you any less worthy of healing, and of love. It doesn't diminish any of the good you deserve. I'm sorry that your world wasn't equipped to help you in a way that would help more than hurt, but — （ he pushes sasuke back a little, and takes his chin in hand. tips his head up so he can meet his eyes. ） I need you to believe me when I say you aren't a bad person. You've just done bad things.

[The words run through him, coaxing that tide of emotion — and as soon as Cy nudges him back to look at his eyes, those glossy tears spill out, streaking his cheeks. He's quiet less because of any attempt to suffocate the expression of emotionality than it is as a result of what they're discussing. He's never thought he deserved forgiveness, or anything good, but Cy makes him want to believe he could.

He pushes his face forward again, burrowing against Cy's chest until the outpour of hurt calms.]

I don't always... realize that it's still affecting me.

[These moments are like a purge — and though he still feels shame, leaning on Cy like this again and again, he knows better than to question whether Cy is only putting up with him. It wouldn't be fair to make that accusation.]

But I want to create better memories. With you.

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